Who Are We Now?

Who are we now?

Who are we now that Esther has left life on earth?

Who are we now that our family is incomplete?

Who are we since Esther's diagnosis?

We are not the same, that's for sure.  We are different, and changed, that's for sure.  We may be older, and wiser, that's probably true.  We are injured, broken, and scarred, that's for sure.  We try to keep the pieces of our broken hearts bound up tight enough to make it through one day at a time ... or an hour at a time ... or maybe just the next five minutes ...

Since Esther's diagnosis, we were different.  There was no going back.  This was the point of no return.  Our family profile changed...and everyone had to adapt and pick up extra responsibilities just to keep going day to day.  Even our 10-month old Josiah at the time was forced to grow up, spending many more hours strapped into a wagon and going from one appointment to another, day after day, than he ever wanted to.  After diagnosis, whether Esther received her miracle of healing on earth, or in Heaven, our family was forever changed.  No matter which fork in the road life took us after Dx Day, we would never be the same family we were the day before.  Esther would never be the same either...  even if she went into remission, she would spend the rest of her time on earth going from childhood cancer survivor clinics to adult cancer survivor clinics for the rest of her days. Even if she had her 89 babies here on earth, they would all need additional appointments and  genetic testing, and would be conscious of the fact that cancer is a reality this side of Heaven very early in life...just like their Mommy Esther.

Since Esther's second diagnosis, we were in denial, and we were forever changed again.... this time with a lot less hope than we had the first Dx Day.  Our faith was shaken.  Our world was upturned again.  How much longer do we have with Esther on this side of Heaven?  How much longer must we wait to be with her again if she goes to Heaven first?  How much longer until we get to see what she gets to see?  And why didn't we have stronger faith the in the MIDDLE of the metastasis diagnosis to talk with Esther about Heaven -  A LOT?!?  When she told us she would meet us in Heaven...we were still in denial ... and we told her we would go to Heaven first because we're older...she would go to Heaven when she was 106 - not just 6!  But she knew, somehow she knew (and we have our own theories about this), and we didn't talk with her about this when we had the chance.  This is one of our biggest regrets.

How do we finish our last 50 years on earth without our Esther??  How will our kids finish their remaining 70-90 years without their Sister Esther??  It isn't forever - but it sure seems like forever!!!  How do we live life on earth longer without Esther than we had with Esther??  We weren't ready to stop fighting for her life on earth.  Were we tired?  Yes!  Were we battle-worn?  Yes!  Were we ready to give up and give in?  NO WAY!!!!  We would have given up sleep, our beds, our plans, our personal dreams, our EVERYTHING to keep Esther alive - and we tried! Ohhh did we try!!  In hindsight, were there things we missed? things we would have done differently? things we would have said NO to doctors for? things we would have done to take even more charge of Esther's medical care??  DEFINITELY YES!  These are some of our other regrets.

But Esther wasn't selfish.  We learned a lot.  Esther wanted to "help other kids with ports."  So how do we continue Esther's fight??  We fight for other kids - our kids, your kids, people we've never met yet's kids...  Jesus loves the little children and we do, too.  And we want to see EVERY child grow up, grow old, and fulfill the special plans and purposes God has for his/her life.  That is Esther's Miracle, Inc.'s vision.  This is our new fight.  This is who we fight for now.  And we will need more soldiers to join the fight soon.

#EsthersMiracle

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#thisfightaintover

#untileveryoneknowsDIPG

#untileveryoneknowsJesus

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#itrymybest

#dipgawareness

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#helpkidswithports

#jesuslovesyou

#illmeetyouinheaven